Still

They never said it, but always showed it. Too afraid to take the blame for what their hearts have done. They made a mess. Every bit of themselves had fallen and broken into pieces into each others heart, fixing what was broken by their past. They needed each other, but they needed to be apart to realize it.

"You think I'm just gonna say it? You think I'm just gonna let you win, make a fool of myself and say it....fine. You were my first love Carter." I said as my eyes swelled up and he was already headed for the train. He stopped though after I said those last six words. "Are you happy now?" I was exhausted. Keeping in what I felt for this stupid, idiotic, morally corrupt yet wise man.

"You knew I wanted you to say it." Carter said thinking out loud.

"This was never a game to see who could keep the other strung along the longest! I want you in my life for as long as you'll be there, but I guess we both have guts and yours is just dead weight." I turned to leave him at the train stop, but I felt a hand grab my arm and turn me around.

"I love you," It was Carter. He kissed me long and passionately. "and I'm sorry."

"It's too late, Carter. I-I have to go." Tears poured out of my face as I turned and left him there at the stop. That was the only time I was ever really in love so much that it hurt.

In Spite of Everything

Just one cut and you’ll be fine

 I was having one of my off days. I wanted to reach for my blade so badly. I deserved it. I deserved everything that happened to me for what I did. I needed to feel something. I needed to see the pain, but even then, it wouldn’t hurt enough.

I was at Carter’s place in the Bronx. It was my turn to take the train, but like always he paid. He picked me up at Grand Central and we got on the subway to his stop. The hood. It was my first time in the Bronx and I’ve never seen so many Hispanics in one place. It didn’t feel like I left New Haven one bit with all the regular commotion and people hanging out by the corner store. I could hear the familiar trumpet sounds from Victor Manuelle’s song, “Asi Es La Mujer” coming out of a window from one of the dozen apartment buildings and Don Omar’s heavy reggaetone sound blasting through the speakers of the speeding car that almost hit us. Everyone was cool with each other though. Even though you heard gunshots every night and had to keep seven locks on your door, by day it was like a big family…almost. It looked too pretty to be the hood, but that view was changed in a nanosecond.

“Yo, I swear Imma kill somebody up in dis piece!! I fuckin swear to God my nigga!!!” A tall, lanky black man with a hard cracked face was waving one hand in the air, talking to no one in particular standing outside Carter’s apartment building shouting his problems to the world. I grabbed Carter’s arm so fast and dug my fingernails into his arm, my heart was racing and he wasn’t even fazed by the situation. We went in side to wait for the elevator and the same crazed man followed us in with his hand on his crotch holding up his baggy jeans. The elevator opened and Carter and I stepped in. If I wasn’t already scared the man got in the elevator too and I noticed his gun in his back pocket. I’m pretty sure I gave Carter five puncture wounds on his bicep, but still, he was nonchalant.

We got up to his floor and he led me to his apartment room and unlocked the door to his home.

“I’ve never seen that man in my life.” Carter said after we were far enough away from the deranged man.

“Oh. My. God.” I said blank faced. Then we both laughed. I needed to laugh to get the possible severity of that situation out of my mind. As he opened the door, I noticed pictures of family everywhere. I assumed they were his family because they all looked alike. It felt like I was at my Abuela’s house and she could be cooking arroz y gandules in the kitchen. It felt like a home.

Just one cut. C’mon you little bitch

I put my bag on the couch in the TV room and saw the shiny tip of my blade poking out from the front pocket. I stared at it biting my lower lip and my eyes widened.  Carter broke the hypnotic bond when he asked if I wanted anything to eat, but I remembered my stomach was already occupied so I said no. I had to focus on something else other than that pound of cold flank steak I stuffed down my throat before I came. But I didn't. I couldn’t. It was my fault. I’m always in the wrong place at the wrong time, but not when I was with Carter.

"Carter, do you love me?" I asked.

"Love you like what?" He was playing C.O.D. in his room when I walked over. I knew he was joking around when he said that, but I went on.

"I don't know, just...me I guess."

"Yeah, of course I love you. You're my girl. All of your flaws too, I love 'em." He said staring at the screen. I still felt insecure at times even when I knew I had a boyfriend and even when he called me pretty. Memories don't fade away, including the bad ones.

"Even my scars?" I asked now looking at the floor. I didn't want the tears streaming down my face so I let them drop to the floor. Carter glanced at me and turned the game off. It didn’t even bother him that he was about to get a new high score. He motioned his arm telling me to sit beside him. I unfolded my arms and quietly sat next to him on his bed.

"Especially your scars, they show that you've been through a lot. The easiest road wasn't mapped out for you, but the fact that they're scars show who you once were. Not who you are now. Who you are now is this amazing, strong woman who can do anything you put your mind to. You make me believe in the impossible Kate. You-"
                "Even though I'm this way?" I interrupted. I was staring out the window because I couldn't look him in his eyes.
                "Yeah, let me finish, I don't just love you because you’re a total babe, I love what you’ve become because of what you’ve been through and you deserve to know what it's liked to be loved." I just cried. I cried my eyes out and Carter sat there with me. He hugged me tight and reassured me with a long kiss.

I never told anyone I was molested when I was six years old, but I told Carter only because he wanted to have sex that one time in my van, but I wasn’t about to lose my virginity like that and I wasn’t comfortable with anyone touching me. Not just intimately, but in general. The way he handled that information made me realize he wasn’t like all the other guys I’ve met, I trusted him. I needed this guy in my life. He made me feel safe. I had the authority. He didn’t assume, he didn’t trash talk, he didn’t judge; he let me say everything I ever wanted to say about the man who touched me underneath my Winnie the Pooh shirt. I knew I met this guy for a reason. I thought I’d never be comfortable in someone else’s arms until I met Carter.

And before I fell asleep next to him, I heard him whisper, "I'm here for you. Don't forget that."

I Don't Know

       My heart couldn't stop pounding, I couldn't believe it. I was so happy he asked me out. Carter asked me if I wanted to visit him and hang out. We were talking about a bunch of things to do not knowing if we'd actually get to do them so we just made it into a list and added other random things things like eating cereal and me recording him while he's drunk...don't ask.
       "Is Marvel better than DC?" I asked.
       "Yes, but DC has some goo animated shit."
       "Why does it have to be Batman though? I wanna watch Catwoman."
       "Batman first. Trust me, those ones are the best." Carter insisted.
       "Guess I'll find out soon enough." I was actually looking forward to watching Batman because I am a comic nerd thanks to my older brother.
       "Yeah, you'll love 'em, and don't forget the list."
       "Oh I already wrote it down, babe. Already wrote it down. This is going to be the most random day ever." I said.
       "Not really because I'm random and you're sure as hell random, so two random people, although we don't seem random to each other; doing random activities that aren't really random to us; it's just another normal day." Carter explained. There was an extremely long semi-awkward pause.
       "I'm not that random am I?" I knew I was a little bit out there.
       "A girl who thinks of things on the fly, does weird shit out of nowhere with no method or conscious decision, you my dear are the definition of random."
       "Awww thanks Carter, you're pretty random yourself."
       "Grazie." I could hear him smiling through the phone. Carter and I have been in this "thing" for almost a year now. I don't know what to call it, but we text like we're together, we make plans to see each other every chance we get,we flirt like nobody's business, but we're not together. I'm not seeing anyone else and neither is Carter, but I think the only thing that's keeping us from making it official is 63.9 miles. I guess if we really thought it could work, we would consider ourselves to be in a relationship, but I don't know.

A Person I Never Knew

A Person I Never Knew

Written by Chelsea D. Rivera

            My best friend, Maggie was always popular, getting invited to every party, knowing everything about everyone, and everyone liked her. She was the girl-next-door type, good grades, and gorgeous. I had no idea that we’d ever be this close because we’re so opposite. I was the most invisible person at Blakely High and the only time I was noticed was when I was being made fun of. Being Maggie’s best friend has its perks. A lot more people notice me and I’m not made fun of as much anymore. Maggie and I became best friends a little over two years ago and have been inseparable ever since. She always stood up for me when I was being made fun of. She was really strong. I can tell she’s been through a lot and she didn’t want people knowing. I wish I were her sometimes. She always told me that I could tell her anything and I did, although Maggie was the secretive type. She never told me anything about what happens at parties, her other friends, where she goes or what she does when we’re not hanging out. Maggie always said that I don’t need to be bothered knowing about her life. We’re there for each other and that’s all that’s important. Sometimes I think she felt sorry for me in a way. That’s way I am. But she was the only friend I had so I wasn’t going to mess up being friends with the most popular in school.

            Though one day at school, I saw her talking to one of her friends in the cafeteria. So I decided just to listen in, not for any particular reason either.

 “Did you get it?” Maggie said. She was real fidgety playing with her thumbs and looking around. I hid behind one of the brick pillars that held up the ceiling so she wouldn’t notice me. Maggie didn’t look herself, come to think of it, she didn’t say hi to me at my locker like she always does before her Chemistry class with Mr. Fitz. I wondered if everything was all right.

“No, you didn’t pay me for the last five rounds and talking to me here isn’t a good idea. People are starting to look and he’s going to get someone to come after you if you don’t cough up the money.” She was talking to Jeremy, captain of the chess team. What was she doing talking to him? She never had any interest in him. Maggie looked desperate and in need of a friend. That’s what my role was so I walked up to her after she left Jeremy at the table.

“Hey, what’s wrong Maggie? I didn’t see you before first period.” I can see she was startled by me coming up to her; she didn’t even put makeup on.

“I’m good, I-I-I just, I just had a bad night last night and, uh-uh I-I I have to get to my next class. Want to go to the mall later? I could use a little shopping therapy.” Maggie said.

“Yeah sure definitely. Text me when you get home. Talk to you later.” Maggie left my sight, but I still didn’t understand why she was acting the way she was. I mean we were hanging out all night at her house watching chick flicks and watching YouTube videos. Maggie was getting a lot of text messages though; I did notice that.

           I met up with Maggie at the mall and she was looking like her normal self, wearing a casual yellow dress, a knitted gray cardigan, and 5-inch black leather heels. Maggie is 5’2” so she always feels the need to boost herself up a couple inches. I came in my dark blue skinny jeans, black flats and a pink sheer button-down tank top. The whole time we were at the mall though she was looking around as if she were trying to hide from someone.

“Maggie, does this top look nice?” She didn’t notice I said anything. “Maggie what’s up? Maggie what are you looking for??” I practically yelled at her.

“What? Oh, the blue lace looks pretty.” She was obviously wasn’t all here. “Hey I’m gonna go get a soda, you want one?” Maggie asked.

“Yeah, diet Cola please.” I had no idea what’s been going on with Maggie.

“K, I’ll be right back.” Maggie walked off to the food court over to Johnny Rockets and I saw Jeremy sitting at the counter. Maggie sat next to him and handed him an envelope; what was inside I had no clue. Then I saw Jeremy drop something in her bag and Maggie got up and walked away to get the soda.

            We sat at the food court to drink and take a load off. Shopping with Maggie was a sport I still will never be able to master. Carrying ten bags in one hand and texting on her phone in the other hand, all the while keeping up a conversation.

“Hey, I’ll be right back I have to use the bathroom, watch my stuff?” Maggie asked. I nodded my head. There it was, Maggie’s bag. I had to look inside it, I just had to. I got up really quick and opened it up. I saw the usual belongings of Maggie in her purse. Lipstick, brush, face mirror, and there it was. I saw a small bag of cocaine tucked away at the bottom of her bag. I couldn’t believe it. Here’s my best friend buying cocaine; from the captain of the chess team no less and she is in debt for someone who’s coming after her. Who knows what that person will do to my best friend? How long has she been addicted to cocaine? She seemed so fine and things went just as usual, how could I have not seen this? Then again, Maggie didn’t want me knowing about her life. I guess because everyone else is so involved in her life with her being so popular. It would make sense, befriending someone and not telling them about your life, just to have a friend for that specific reason, to be a friend; someone who can’t judge you for what you do or who you see because they don’t know. It makes sense to befriend the most invisible person who’d do anything to be popular.

            Maggie manipulated me into thinking that she actually cared about me, but really she was using me. How could I be so stupid not to see this? Maggie comes back from the bathroom and sits across from me.

“So, what happened while I was gone?” Maggie asks.

“Oh nothing. Listen, do you think I can come to one of the parties next time?” I ask Maggie.

“There aren’t any interesting parties happening, let’s just hang out at your place and watch Netflix.” I wanted to bring up the cocaine. She looked so exhausted. I dropped her off at her house and before she went in side I got out of the car. I have to, I have to or else…

“Maggie, I found this in your bag. What’s wrong?” I showed her the bag of cocaine. “I can help you, we can get through this Mag.” Maggie starts crying. She looked so limp and helpless. The strongest person I know, the person that can get through any rumor that’s thrown at her is falling to pieces right in front of me.

“Don’t tell anyone, please? I want help. I can’t take this anymore.” Maggie was indeed broken and I had no idea why. I didn’t know who this person was. I’ve never seen this side of Maggie before, ever. I didn’t care though. She’s my best friend and I wasn’t going to lose her.