In Spite of Everything

Just one cut and you’ll be fine

 I was having one of my off days. I wanted to reach for my blade so badly. I deserved it. I deserved everything that happened to me for what I did. I needed to feel something. I needed to see the pain, but even then, it wouldn’t hurt enough.

I was at Carter’s place in the Bronx. It was my turn to take the train, but like always he paid. He picked me up at Grand Central and we got on the subway to his stop. The hood. It was my first time in the Bronx and I’ve never seen so many Hispanics in one place. It didn’t feel like I left New Haven one bit with all the regular commotion and people hanging out by the corner store. I could hear the familiar trumpet sounds from Victor Manuelle’s song, “Asi Es La Mujer” coming out of a window from one of the dozen apartment buildings and Don Omar’s heavy reggaetone sound blasting through the speakers of the speeding car that almost hit us. Everyone was cool with each other though. Even though you heard gunshots every night and had to keep seven locks on your door, by day it was like a big family…almost. It looked too pretty to be the hood, but that view was changed in a nanosecond.

“Yo, I swear Imma kill somebody up in dis piece!! I fuckin swear to God my nigga!!!” A tall, lanky black man with a hard cracked face was waving one hand in the air, talking to no one in particular standing outside Carter’s apartment building shouting his problems to the world. I grabbed Carter’s arm so fast and dug my fingernails into his arm, my heart was racing and he wasn’t even fazed by the situation. We went in side to wait for the elevator and the same crazed man followed us in with his hand on his crotch holding up his baggy jeans. The elevator opened and Carter and I stepped in. If I wasn’t already scared the man got in the elevator too and I noticed his gun in his back pocket. I’m pretty sure I gave Carter five puncture wounds on his bicep, but still, he was nonchalant.

We got up to his floor and he led me to his apartment room and unlocked the door to his home.

“I’ve never seen that man in my life.” Carter said after we were far enough away from the deranged man.

“Oh. My. God.” I said blank faced. Then we both laughed. I needed to laugh to get the possible severity of that situation out of my mind. As he opened the door, I noticed pictures of family everywhere. I assumed they were his family because they all looked alike. It felt like I was at my Abuela’s house and she could be cooking arroz y gandules in the kitchen. It felt like a home.

Just one cut. C’mon you little bitch

I put my bag on the couch in the TV room and saw the shiny tip of my blade poking out from the front pocket. I stared at it biting my lower lip and my eyes widened.  Carter broke the hypnotic bond when he asked if I wanted anything to eat, but I remembered my stomach was already occupied so I said no. I had to focus on something else other than that pound of cold flank steak I stuffed down my throat before I came. But I didn't. I couldn’t. It was my fault. I’m always in the wrong place at the wrong time, but not when I was with Carter.

"Carter, do you love me?" I asked.

"Love you like what?" He was playing C.O.D. in his room when I walked over. I knew he was joking around when he said that, but I went on.

"I don't know, just...me I guess."

"Yeah, of course I love you. You're my girl. All of your flaws too, I love 'em." He said staring at the screen. I still felt insecure at times even when I knew I had a boyfriend and even when he called me pretty. Memories don't fade away, including the bad ones.

"Even my scars?" I asked now looking at the floor. I didn't want the tears streaming down my face so I let them drop to the floor. Carter glanced at me and turned the game off. It didn’t even bother him that he was about to get a new high score. He motioned his arm telling me to sit beside him. I unfolded my arms and quietly sat next to him on his bed.

"Especially your scars, they show that you've been through a lot. The easiest road wasn't mapped out for you, but the fact that they're scars show who you once were. Not who you are now. Who you are now is this amazing, strong woman who can do anything you put your mind to. You make me believe in the impossible Kate. You-"
                "Even though I'm this way?" I interrupted. I was staring out the window because I couldn't look him in his eyes.
                "Yeah, let me finish, I don't just love you because you’re a total babe, I love what you’ve become because of what you’ve been through and you deserve to know what it's liked to be loved." I just cried. I cried my eyes out and Carter sat there with me. He hugged me tight and reassured me with a long kiss.

I never told anyone I was molested when I was six years old, but I told Carter only because he wanted to have sex that one time in my van, but I wasn’t about to lose my virginity like that and I wasn’t comfortable with anyone touching me. Not just intimately, but in general. The way he handled that information made me realize he wasn’t like all the other guys I’ve met, I trusted him. I needed this guy in my life. He made me feel safe. I had the authority. He didn’t assume, he didn’t trash talk, he didn’t judge; he let me say everything I ever wanted to say about the man who touched me underneath my Winnie the Pooh shirt. I knew I met this guy for a reason. I thought I’d never be comfortable in someone else’s arms until I met Carter.

And before I fell asleep next to him, I heard him whisper, "I'm here for you. Don't forget that."